11:26 a.m. - 2002-11-20
emotional wasteland
Reading other people's diaries and talking to friends, it feels like there's way too much unhappiness going on. I seem to be in a little bubble, merrily going about the daily chores, pausing sometimes to dream about driving a cadillac around the USA, or imagining what my little niece or nephew will be like, but not really bothered about anything. I did take a pregnancy test last night - my five minutes of necessary drama for the week... I'd woken up feeling sick yesterday and recently keep waking in the night needing the loo - two symptoms of pregnancy. Well, obviously I wasn't, aren't... but I had to do two tests because I weed on the wrong side of the first one so it went all wrong and filled up the pregnant "window" with pink stain whilst leaving the control window empty. I knew I wasn't really pregnant - I'm on the pill, but that's not 100% and I often have an upset tummy which can make it ineffective... but I just needed a little stick to tell me I wasn't.
Emma T is still upset about splitting up with her boyfriend... it's the second time this year she's got involved with someone who seems to lead her up the garden path before dropping her from a great height. She's emotionally bruised and pretty fragile, and thinking of packing it all in and "naffing off" as she puts it. What can I say? Wouldn't I naff off if I were her? If I had the money and the means, then yeah I think I'd be outta here. If only to assess the theory that the grass is always greener and to escape the rat race. (Although it seems to me that soon, there'll be no one left in the rat race, everyone will have naffed off to travel around Australia / Thailand / Europe etc).
I remember when I'd been in my first job (first proper, post-uni job that is) a few months, when I commuted into London thinking "I've got to do this for another 40-odd years...". It seemed so dull, so depressing, so banal, so mundane... but it's up to me really, if it's going to be like that. If I choose to work in shitty offices, with bad pay and cunty bosses, then yeah, it'll be bad. But when I remind myself that this is my pennance, my credit card repayments, my loan repayments, my shopping habit punishment... and ultimately my american cadillac dream, then, well... I just bear it and make the most of it. Have a laugh, take the piss surfing the internet for 6 hours out of 8, steal post-it notes and make free phone calls. It's not all bad.
I know I'm rambling, that's just the way it is sometimes.
