3:24 p.m. - 2002-12-10
sometimes it happens feelings die, whole years are lost in the blink of an eye...
I keep having this recurring thought - am I racing for a prize I've already got?
That sounds weird, I know, but what I mean is... I kind of think in this mindframe where I am striving towards happiness - as if paying off my debts / getting married / having children will somehow complete my life. I guess other people's journals have taught me this is not necessarily the case, but not only that, I've been having these moods of feeling really content. Just... happy with my lot; it's enough for me I guess.
That's not to say I don't still have my stress out moments where I calculate it will take me about 30 years to pay off the debts I have at the moment, where I wish that C would say "I love you", when I think my working life is meaningless and totally unworthwhile (which, let's face it, it kind of is if I can find time to write this when I'm in the office), but if there was some kind of questionnaire of life, and number 10 was "Are you Happy?", I'd write YES in fuck-off big capital letters.
This is all despite last night, when I spoke to Nick, my ex, for the first time in about 8 weeks. That may not sound a lot, but this is someone who I once thought I was going to marry, who I've been very good friends with ever since we split up about three and a half years ago... I didn't think it would ever come to this. I emailed him on Friday asking why he never contacts me anymore, and he mailed back and said no, he'd just been crap etc, and that he'd call me. So last night we eventually spoke... and it was horrible.
I felt awkward, angry, bored and disappointed , probably in that order, and eventually made my excuses to get off the phone. After I hung up, I just thought... <"Well, that's that then". Which is really a shame. I have long preached that staying friends with ex'es is easy, and with Dan it is (maybe cos we never talked about spending the rest of our lives together), but this seems unsalvageable now. He's living with his new girlfriend, I'm with C, and all the common ground seems to have fallen away. So it goes though.
I had a good chat with my dad last night. There's something about them, chatting with him, that makes me feel grown up. I guess because when I was a kid I'd go to my Mum with the important stuff, and Dad would get the inane banter and babble. I told him about Nick, and he understood. We also talked about the flat, and he said he thought Lucy would probably settle in Australia, in which case he wanted to know if I wanted him to sign the flat over to me (as a sitting tenant, I'd get fabulously low rent in a great location)... but it's a tricky one and no mistake. If I could find someone who wanted to rent a box room (someone who I liked and trusted and got on with), then it might be okay, but I don't know how possible that is. Plus I'm kinda psyched up to live with Jon and Bandy so... I dunno.
