11:56 a.m. - 2003-05-07
and now i can't pretend i'm not missing you
to (x)
i'm sorry you're down right now. i'm sorry we don't live closer. i'm so glad that you're still my friend after all that happened between us. it's funny because i always thought i'd still be friends with him rather than you, as if we had something shallower, less real, yet you're still here, and he's barely on the radar.
i never met her, the girl who may have caught and lost your heart, the girl you cheated on. i even felt strangely jealous of her for a while, but now, when you call me to tell me she's gone, i can only imagine she's feeling now the way i felt back then. you're elusive, you know, you can't be pinned down, and that feeling of seeing you go slipping away is enough to ache. i remember it ached.
i don't remember if i told you, probably not, that i held a knife to my wrists over you. that i thought i couldn't be without you. but look where we are now.
remember lying on our backs in regents park, a few wispy clouds floating in a pure blue sea of sky? i thought you'd come back to me. especially as we sat through that sex show which masqueraded as a theatre production, and when we fucked later, and that time at your parents house when you reached under my dress in the hallway? yeah i thought it was all better, it was all fixed. and again, years later, it happened again. you picked me up and put me down.
and then you nearly died. you didn't see me burst into tears at my desk at work. did you know i was on tranquilizers? i wrote letters to you, identified with lyrics over you, cried myself to sleep thinking i'd never see you again.
after all this, we're friends. i wonder if things would be different if we saw each other more often?
i hope you're okay now.
xxxx
