12:09 - Oct. 13, 2003
like a film that's so bad but i gotta stay till the end
Despite a lovely afternoon in Bath with my girls on Saturday, this will surely rank as THE worst weekend of my life.
I went to my parents' on Saturday night, and got the news. Dad's cancer has spread, and it can't be treated anymore.
Oh there's a thousand things I could say next. I could say how fucking blindly upset I am, how much there is to think about, how my parents have to sell their house, how we don't know how long he has or any of that stuff. And it's all there, in my head with a million other thoughts besides but I can't do it, I can't say them all now and fall apart over and over again.
I drove home alone, the stereo cranked up as loud as it would go, songs seeminly written for me with lyrics I couldn't sing without breaking. Blinking away tears, thinking it's always this road that I take with tears in my eyes and death on my mind. Corpses in my mouth.
I'm lucky. There's an unestimable figure of people with no dad like mine, no dad at all, with stories to tell to make me thankful... but you know what? I don't care about them, I don't care if they haven't got what I've had. I just want my dad
My whole safety net has been blown apart, that feeling of security has gone. Things can touch us, people can be taken away and there's not much reasoning to be done. It was a decision none of us made and we've got to get on with it.
