12:27 - Aug. 28, 2003
drugs
We've got a big night out planned on saturday, with tooskysky and others. everyone will be doing drugs.
i can't tell you how tempted i am to have a pill.
just one, or even a half.
i was thinking about it last night, about how utterly predictable i am and how inevitable it was that i'd have one.
and then this morning i woke up really suddenly. you know, that bolt upright "whoah" kind of waking up, because i hadn't set my alarm and i'd slept with an eye patch on so it was still dark for me. and i'd woken up at exactly the time i usually set my alarm for.
and all i could think was, "what the hell am i thinking? i can't do a pill, i've given up all that now... it's stupid, there's no way..."
so now, i don't know. i don't want to be polly prissy pants in the corner wanting to go home while everyone else is still buzzing their tits off. i want to be right in there feeling mellow and loved up and part of it all.
i wonder what would happen if i took 3 cipralex instead? don't worry, i'm not going to, but it is like being on a low dose e all the time you know. i grit my teeth, and i get that... that taste in my head and the desire to feel skin and have sex.
drugs are weird. aren't i on enough already i wonder?
