14:12 - Jan. 19, 2004
what will i say, when i get home?
Until I sort out my new diaryland name spakkerness, I'm hanging around here.
Dad's been bringing up blood - it's the chemo breaking down the cells in his lungs. Mum said it's awful, several times, but I just feel numb. I tried to think of comforting things to say but my mind went blank, so I just hugged her.
The weird thing is, I don't feel depressed about Dad at the moment, not beyond sad. I don't know why. It's like a valve got shut off and I can't do that level of upset anymore. I suppose I got past the initial shock of this, the cancer and now it's something I live with, something to file with other long-term problems. Like debts.
Is that terrible - comparing Dad having cancer with me being in debt? It comes in peaks and troughs of worry but I can't / don't let it bring me down as much as it used to. Maybe it's a survival mechanism - adapting and adjusting. You can't cry and feel sorry for yourself over the same things every day forever, right?
