16:28 - Oct. 29, 2003
This page stinks of moral indignation
I need a week off work and a nice fast computer at home, just so I can figure out how to start making my own layouts. I know I�d enjoy doing it and I�d probably get the hang of it really fast, it�s just that I�m not too sure where to start. I need to read Lissa Explains It All from start to finish, even though I already know the basics. I spent the last two days looking for the perfect layout, and I found it, but it was for Blog or something, not Diaryland. So not that perfect after all.
My office stalker is still driving me crazy. I have found myself becoming more brusque and offhand with her which is mean as she is obviously just trying to make friends. It�s just that it�s too much. SHE�S too much. I don�t need to be asked every five minutes if I�m okay. I DO NOT look really down, she just wants me to be so she can tell me to come round to her flat where I can make my own cheese on toast for dinner while she whines about failed relationships and calls me �baby girl� and �girlfriend� with no irony even though she�s neither black nor my gay lover. We�re just different � she wants someone to need mollycoddling and that she can moan to and I need people who� aren�t like her I suppose.
Someone really pissed me off on Monday. A �friend�. One email from her and at first I felt really bad because it seemed I�d upset her, but then I read it again and realised a) she had jack to be upset about and b) she just trampled all over my feelings and ignored two previous emails I�d sent her. I can�t be arsed to go into the details, and I wonder if she�s somehow reading this. I didn�t even reply to her. I was so angry, and still am quite narked, that I don�t want to do anything to salvage the friendship, which is sad. I wonder what I�ll do next time I see her? Will I have the balls to say anything?
I�m still surprised by how okay I am. In the past I�ve cut myself, cried myself into a little fit or to sleep and generally fallen into a state over things so much less monumental than my dad�s diagnosis. But I don�t cry in bed at night � I make cards, read my book or just plain pass out from tiredness. I haven�t cut myself or even wanted to. I�m just going about my day.
I do feel a bit funny sometimes. Like when C�s dad and stepmum both lit up at the weekend. That just seemed stupid. I felt like saying �Hang on, you know what�s happening with my Dad � what makes you think it won�t happen to you? How can you be so selfish? Don�t leave him without a dad too.� Which was clich�d and sentimental and all sorts of things I hate. I said nothing. I don�t say anything to my friends about it. How can I? My Mum still smokes ffs! I wish she didn�t but I can understand more why she can�t give up as opposed to other people on some weird level. I just don�t want it to happen to anyone else I love. I know, I�m the worst ex-smoker. I wave other people�s smoke away, hate the smell of it, can�t bear it, but I remember what it was like. You think �I know I should give up and I will, soon. I�ll just have one more, this one with my cup of tea�. And then you need one after your dinner, and you have to have one first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee and then one in the pub and suddenly, you haven�t given up at all.
