11:34 - Jun. 24, 2003
other people
there doesn't seem to be a whole lot to say, despite, obviously, big things going on. but i don't want to be empty and cold so i'll try to press on and write anyway.
i called my dad yesterday lunchtime and he told me, yes, he's got lung cancer. it's a small tumour on one lung, and he's got to go back on thursday to discuss his course of treatment - either chemotherapy or radiotherapy. I suppose the positive thing to focus on here is that it's treatable.
I asked dad if mum was going to stop smoking now - he laughed his head off. :o/
I left work and went to c's office - had to hang around Soho in case my sis called my dad - he was worried about telling her because of her high blood pressure as much as anything else. Well C's office gave him the afternoon off (how nice is that?) and we went for coffee and toodled around a bit. Eventually I met up with my sister and we went to a pub and her eyes went all red and teary and there wasn't a thing I could say to make it better. I'd dried up by then so i felt i must look like the heartless one sitting there dry eyed.
Spoke to mum as well, who sounded very bright and chirpy. i mean, they both do... it's like cancer is this small infestation of vermin they have to deal with but hey, no biggy!
fucking hell. just the thought of my dad, my poor little (not at all) dad, having chemotherapy and being sick and his hair falling out and it makes me just weep.
and then, what can i do? "i don't want you changing any of your plans" he says, "i'll be really upset if you do". so, okay, i'll go to glastonbury with my heart in my mouth and have a good time.
and amidst it all i'm aware of these hands and hearts touching me with kind words and sweet gestures.. friends i can call and sob down the phone to, no words necessary, someone thrusting money in my hand to get a cab, text messages that i can't reply to because if i look at them too long at my desk i'll fall right apart again.
and you know at night time when i'm alone is just like a knife in my heart. great wracking sobs and big wet tears. surely that's not me?
no, i'm charmed, this stuff happens to other people
