11:42 - Oct. 17, 2003
little cry
Last night. I was doing my photo scrapbook, cutting, glueing, arranging, listening to music, old cds pulled out from under the bed. I was listening to the Rent soundtrack, which for anyone who doesn�t know it, was written by a guy called Jonathan Larson (?) who died from Aids. The show is about people living with aids on the streets of New York, in a kind of modern day La Boheme. It�s one of those musicals I really enjoyed, even though when I took friends to see it I cringed at the OTT sentimental bits . There�s a scene where one of the characters dies and it�s along to a song called �Without You�. Now I hate tweeness and sentimental �twaddle� but that was it. This girl�s voice sang about all the things that would happen even though someone was gone and my vision went blurry and my eyes leaked. I laughed at myself � �this is Rent! It�s a song from a musical, it�s so fucking obvious for god�s sake!� and pulled myself together.
Then I checked my emails. There was a message from a friend, you know who you are, which I couldn�t read all the way through in one go. I got to one line of it, and had to look away, bite my lip, swallow hard. I went back to it though, and let myself sob as I read the rest of it. Then my flatmate Anna walked thought he hall and I smiled and didn�t let on. We�re not that close, I wouldn�t know how to cry in front of her.
Back in my room, I went to take my make up off. I was using this new cleanser by Eve Lom which G gave me and rubbing it around, this oily cream stuff. Except it wouldn�t stay all oily, because my eyes were still leaking and my face was too wet. I called C, and he came over.
I took a Cipralex, thinking perhaps it�s better to coast through this in numbness, to feel it all later, but it woke me up at 6.30am and has made me nauseous all morning. I don�t think I�ll take it again. I�m just going to feel it, and have a wet face.
